Why is there Conflict in Your Marriage?

           Many times, in marriage we don't even know what our conflict is over.  We just know that there are frequent times of “fussing” or maybe just a low level of tension that seems to permeate everything. If that is describing where you are in your marriage, I want to suggest a few things. 

           One of the first things we need to do when it seems conflict is a constant intrusion into our marriage is figure out the origin of the conflict. Conflicts are on a scale.  They can be on the high end of serious offences, differences in fundamental beliefs, and past wounding. They may be on the low end based on differences in temperament, preferences, and idiosyncrasies. 

           Start with knowing which end of the scale you are dealing with. The low-end of the scale does not mean the conflict is not real, problematic, or hurtful; it just means the origin is different from one that is at the high end. Many times, the conflicts that eat away at our relationship, that cause things to feel so sour, are the things on the low end. We find that things that our spouse does or does not do just drive us crazy. Why can’t they be organized? Why can’t they ever put anything back in its place? Why are they always late for everything? Why are they so picky about “dumb” things? Like who cares if the counter is not wiped down to the standard of a sterile operating room? 

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...ask God to show you how He wants you to respond the next time your spouse does the “thing” that drives you crazy.

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           I think you get my drift; I could literally go on writing for pages, but I will spare you. What I want to point out is that if many of our conflicts fall on this end of the scale, we need to ask ourselves a few questions. 

           What are my options here? I can be mad every single time they do one of these things which probably means I will stay frustrated and mad often.  I can decide that I can’t live with it and leave (not a good option). I can try and ignore it. (sometimes it may work). I can decide that this “thing” or “things” may be what God is using to teach me the true meaning of 1 Corinthians 13. That chapter is often called “the love chapter.” It is frequently read at weddings. It describes to us what Love is. “Love is patient and kind; it does not envy or boast: it is not rude or arrogant. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. I Corinthians 13: 4-5 (ESV). 

           I am going to press in here. What if God wants to teach you, and me, what it really means to be patient. It is nice to talk about being patient, but what about when you have a chance to live it. You are patient with the irritating things your spouse does or does not do. What about being kind about it? How would you act if a co-worker did the same thing? What would you say to them? Would you even mention it? What about not being rude? (Oh heavens, that is a hard one.) Maybe we choose, by the power of the Holy Spirit living in us, to not be rude to our spouses. What if we are not irritable toward them when they do something that causes our sinful flesh to rise up, be mad and want to strike out? What if we were kind instead, and not resentful about this situation. 

           I want to challenge you to ask God to show you how He wants you to respond the next time your spouse does the “thing” that drives you crazy. What real evidence of love does He want you to display? What action is He asking you to choose? It probably will not be your first reaction, 🙂 but I can guarantee that if you start to choose an action that is love - there is no telling what God might do through your choice. 

~Carla