Barriers to Sexual Intimacy

Couples often have a hard time talking about sex at all. It’s even harder when you try to talk about a problem when it comes to sexual intimacy. What happens under the covers can & should be awesome; but it may take some honest, open dialogue, ability to be vulnerable, and continual learning, & experimenting to achieve that. But also, like everything else in your marriage, don’t settle for less than great when it comes to sexual intimacy. If you sex life isn’t what you want it to be, start the conversation.

What are some of the barriers to a good sex life might come up in your marriage? Let’s consider a few and some steps you can take to help remove that barrier.

·         Emotional Barriers – Remember that sex is so much more than just physical. If you don’t feel emotionally safe or connected to your spouse, the sexual desire just might not be there. Time for some honest discussion. Set a time and start the conversation. Here some questions to consider:

o   Do you feel emotionally safe with me?

o   Is there something that has you stressed out?

o   Are we disconnected emotionally?

·         Situational Barriers – Often, life gets in the way of our sexual intimacy. Raising children, busy schedules, lack of privacy, or maybe you find yourself too tired. How do you deal with some of these issues?

o   Spontaneous sex is great, but maybe it’s time to start scheduling sex into your marriage.

o   Have an honest discussion about your schedules. We find that one of the greatest enemies to intimacy on all levels is busyness. What can you start saying no to so that you can focus on what’s most important – your marriage.

o   Realize how vital sexual intimacy is to a healthy marriage. It’s easy to be distracted by the urgent and miss out on what is most important.

*******************************************************************************************

Just like marriage itself, finding great sexual intimacy is a journey with ebbs and flows. The journey has its challenges, but what a great journey to enjoy together!

*******************************************************************************************

·         Trigger Barriers – When coaching couples, we often talk about the emotional landmines that may be hidden. You may not even know they are there, but a word, a tone of voice, or maybe an uncomfortable touch may be the trigger that sets of the emotional landmine. What do you do?

o   Identify the trigger. Was it something that was said? Was it an unwanted type of touch?

o   What feelings and thoughts were triggered?

o   Are there past wounding that were uncovered?

o   Seek help from a good Christian counselor. Understand our past often shows up in our present.

·         Physical Barriers – Sometimes the barriers to healthy sexual intimacy are physical in nature. These can include extreme fatigue, pregnancy, decreased libido, age related changes, inability to reach climax, or other sexual disfunction. What are some steps you can take?

o   If sex is physically painful, that is not normal. Talk to your doctor.

o   If something has changed, talk about it and see if you can identify when it changed. Sudden or gradual? What is different than before?

o   Is the issue emotionally based or is it physical changes. Identifying the root and direct you to the type of help you may want to seek.

o   Don’t let your pride get in the way of finding a solution.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is one of the great gifts God gave us. It is meant to be mutually pleasurable, exciting, and satisfying. Just like marriage itself, finding great sexual intimacy is a journey with ebbs and flows. The journey has its challenges, but what a great journey to enjoy together!

Keep on forging,

Johnny