Have you ever thought that your marriage has let you down? Have you thought that you expected it to be different than it seems to be turning out? Do you feel disappointed?
If I am being totally unveiled, then yes and yes. I certainly have felt the letdown, the disappointment. Why was it so hard? I kind of foolishly assumed when I married that because we were both believers, we came from strong families, and we were so “in love” that it would be exactly what I wanted. I think I realized that yes, everyone has struggles, but the foundation we had would be enough.
What I failed to realize was two major things. The first was that my idea of a great marriage and my husband’s would be the same. I wrongly assumed that what I wanted, he wanted, and what he wanted would be fine with me. Wrong! I failed to account for the differences in gender (our brains truly are wired differently), and our extremely different personalities and temperaments. What I found so exciting and interesting during our dating years, I found completely ridiculous once we were married.
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At times, God will use the sand-paper of the marriage to rub off what He does not want in us. He will use our marriages to teach us what it really means to love in an unselfish,
totally accepting way.
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So, I wrongly assumed a number of things about marriage. I had expectations that were not being met. I felt like I had sort of been tricked. Like how was being with my husband (at the time boyfriend) so enjoyable and now it was downright hard! I did not realize that I had unrealistic expectations for so many years. I continued down the path of trying to figure out how to change my husband (improvement project) to make him be and do what I wanted him to be and do. Wow, that sounds terrible when you type it out. When you think about it, it is like saying I choose to marry you but now I have decided you are not exactly what I want and need so, I will try to make you different. Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (NIV).
The second thing that I did not understand for a long time is that God will use our marriages to allow us to see our real selves up close and personal. We can fake it out in the world but no one sees all of the ugliness like our spouse. Our marriages can be like a magnifying mirror that shows every flaw (you know what I mean). It can be shocking. Is this really me? At times, God will use the sand-paper of the marriage to rub off what He does not want in us. He will use our marriages to teach us what it really means to love in an unselfish, totally accepting way. I did not expect this when I married (maybe you did not either). But don’t let what feels like a disappointment, and an unmet expectation derail you. Know that God is in it all, He never wastes anything. He will use our expectations that may have been totally out of kilter to create something that is better and deeper than what we expected or imagined at first.
~Carla
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