What do You Think about Conflict?

Most of us probably do not like it, and we may even avoid it all costs. We likely associate conflict with something negative. Now, conflict can be negative, and it can produce all kinds of harmful results. That depends not on the conflict itself, but on how we handle it.

           Conflicts may be neutral in the sense that the “issue” is one of different perspectives, different desires, and opinions. Often times, the “issue” when we are married is that we simply want different things. If you have one week off during the summer, how do you spend it? Does one of you want to go visit family, but the other one want a week at the beach? Neither of the choices is wrong, they are just different. So, the conflict in this case is based on different desires. You still must come to a decision; you have to work though the conflict to come to a decision, but this is usually not the kind of conflict that is damaging to the relationship. This type allows us to try and work as a team and decide how to manage the situation or choice so each of you can be accommodated.

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 Conflict can be used in our marriages to refine us, teach us, humble us and give us a heart for greater love and empathy.

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           Every married couple will have this type of conflict, but it never has to be something that creates anger, yelling, fighting and wounding each other. It can always be a way to move forward as a team. All the issues that come up in your marriage can be used to create a deeper sense of connection and a win as a team. When you know you successfully worked through a conflict, it gives you a win. It helps affirm the sense that we can work through conflicts in healthy ways. We are stronger because of it.

           Most of the time the reason we hate the thought of conflict is that it is based on what can happen with our emotions. The conflict occurs and we get angry. We feel so strongly, about what has happened (the emotion just comes.) Yes, it does just come but we must out a pause on our emotions (acknowledge them) but do not let them take over. Emotions have no intelligence. They are just emotions. You want to stop and decide how you need to move forward. The emotions tell you something has happened, and it needs attention. Now, what do I need to do.

           Gathering all the information, thinking about what your options are in responding is critical to identify the “issue” and then decide what is best approach. If it is deep, grave issue it may require support, intervention etc., but fighting and allowing the emotions to be in charge will never allow the conflict to do the work that may need to be done.

           Conflict can be used in our marriages to refine us, teach us, humble us and give us a heart for greater love and empathy. Conflict can be the tool that helps you forge a stronger, more intimate marriage.

           This does not mean we go looking for conflict; it will find you. But it does not have to be a damaging thing. It can be the catalyst that moves you toward a deeper intimacy than you have ever imagined.

~ Carla