You can probably think of one of them easily, it’s emotional intimacy; but maybe the other is harder to come up with. It is experiential intimacy. I have to be honest and admit that I didn’t even know about experiential intimacy earlier in my marriage but I get it now. Both of the types of “E” intimacy are extremely important. They provide different paths toward increased intimacy.
I think for many of us, as women, we really get emotional intimacy. It just seems to us to be the bed-rock of all intimacy. It is what we crave. The place where we are free to be totally ourselves and feel seen and accepted. If this feels normal and expected from our perspective it may seem a little foreign for some men. The idea of “emotions” and sharing feelings just does not seem “manly” or honestly for many of them, anything they really want to do. So, it seems like we crave it, and men don’t even want it?
This may be where some of you find yourselves. You desire to have emotional intimacy in your marriage. You want that kind of connection, but it seems elusive. Is there anything you can do? I want to suggest something that you may want to try that might work with your man. It involves the second “E” of intimacy.
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I did not realize that for many men, one of the ways they build intimacy with their wives is through shared experiences. They form deeper connections when they have an experience with us.
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The second “E” intimacy is experiential. This involves shared experiences. It is the idea that the things we experience with our husband help create intimacy through the shared event. It can be great exciting things, it can be hard or challenging things, or it can be the small experiences you create together. I honestly did not get this for a long time. I did not realize that for many men, one of the ways they build intimacy with their wives is through shared experiences. They form deeper connections when they have an experience with us.
This is my proposal: have you tried joining your husband on something he may have asked you to do with him, or have you tried to create an experience you can have together? It may be that you really don’t care to go do a particular thing with your husband that he enjoys such as hunting, fishing, shooting, or attending sporting events. You get my drift. But what if you did some of those things with him? What if you entered into his world and had an experience together? I am not saying that you have to do that all the time to develop intimacy, but what if your willingness to experience something with your husband that he loved, opened the door for him to express greater emotional intimacy? What if the experience you share together helps create a bond that leads to more connection?
We need both of the “E” types of intimacy in our marriage. If you tend to lean toward one type and ignore the other, maybe think about how exploring the other might enhance them all. What do you have to lose, but maybe a chance at a deeper intimacy. It works for us; maybe it will work for you!
~Carla
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