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Husbands: How do You Want to be Loved?

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35, NIV

Ask a woman how her husband can love or cherish her more, she can probably give you a list in a second. Ask a man that same question about how his wife could love him well, other than saying “more sex”, he may just looking at you with a blank stare. Men in general seem to have a harder time expressing their feelings and that is especially true when it comes to how they feel loved.

Alright guys, think of it this way. What does your wife do for you that makes you feel important? What are the things she does or says that make you feel valued? I struggled for years in answering this question when my wife asked me. One day I decided to do something about not having a good answer. I asked myself that question, gave it some thought, and wrote down a list of things my wife did that made me feel valued and loved. Here’s part of the list. Maybe it will give you some ideas and spur you on to make your own list.


·        My love language is words of affirmation and her compliments make me feel so good. When she expresses her appreciation for something I have done, it makes me feel loved. On the flip side, I am very sensitive to her criticisms.

·        When she surprises me with my favorite cookies, I feel valued.

·        When she wears the night shirt that I love, it sends me over the moon.

·        When she brags on me to other people it makes me feel loved.

·        When she compliments my physical parts, even knowing I am out of shape, I feel loved.

·        I feel loved when she prays for me.



Loving someone isn’t reading their mind. It is learning all about them and then acting in a way that you know makes your spouse feel loved and valued.


I could go on, but you get the idea. I know we sometimes think if we have to tell someone how we want to be loved that it doesn’t mean as much if they do it. That’s crazy. It would be like when someone asks you what your favorite restaurant is and then gives you a gift card for that place. Are you going to complain about it.  Are you going to say “If they have to ask what my favorite restaurant is then they don’t really care about me.” That would be absurd. It is just as absurd to say that your spouse should always know how you want to be loved if you never tell them. Loving someone isn’t reading their mind. It is learning all about their spouse and then acting in a way that you know makes your spouse feel loved and valued.

We talked about this on our podcast. Plan a date night for you and your wife. Beforehand, get two sheets of paper and write the following on each sheet. At the top of the page, write “When you do this…” At the bottom of each page, write “I feel loved.” Before you go on the date, each of you fill out the sheet. On your date, talk about what each of you wrote. Give specific examples. Ask each other how could you love them better. Once you have your spouse’s list, start doing it every week. Make a commitment to love your spouse well.

Keep on forging,


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