That is sort of an interesting question. Like, is there a class you take, or did your parents sit you down and go over what it means to love? Probably not! But the reality is that we were taught to love from our very first interactions as humans. If you were loved, cared for, and had your needs met then your earliest connections with love were probably secure. Someone (most likely your parents, or whoever raised you) was the person or persons that taught you about love. They probably did not give a lecture but you learned early on if you could trust them to be there for you, to meet your needs, to see and hear you. You learned you had value and worth because you were loved and cared for.
Many of us probably had someone that met our physical needs, hopefully, they met all of our other needs; but this does not always happen. There are millions of people who were not taught to love because the first exposure they had was not secure. It may have provided for basic physical needs, but they were not seen and heard. They may have never learned that love does see you, hear you and allow you to express what you need.
The reason this is so important is that those initial imprints of being loved, or not, are carried with us as we grow up. We have “learned” what we saw, felt, heard and experienced as our “foundation of love.” If the foundation was not secure, then what you have is a foundation that is faulty. You may not know for a long time (many adults still don’t know) that the foundation you built your understanding of love on is not secure. It is not right. It is cracked. It will not last. What you have will crumble.
*******************************************************************************************
When we marry, we want a husband that we can share life with, including all of the vulnerable places, the hurtful things that happen, and the hard places. But if we have never learned to do that then we will not let anyone in, including our husband, nor will we be able to provide them comfort in the way that may want and need it.
*******************************************************************************************
There is good news though. If you can come to terms with evaluating your foundation of love to see if it is not true or right, then you can fix your foundation, you can repair it. You can make it a solid foundation that does work, that does support you, and is secure.
One of the ways you can evaluate how you were taught to love is by asking yourself some questions. Do you remember being held, comforted when you were hurt? I don’t mean just when you fell down or got hurt. I mean when you were crying or upset because you felt left out, you were sad because someone you cared for left, or you felt afraid of something. When those things happened did someone see you, hear you, allow you to put into words (or help you learn words to use) that expressed what you were feeling? If you answer yes, I think my mom, dad, aunt, grandmother etc., did that for me in my life then you very likely have the ability to put into words what you feel. You can share what is happening with you, you can be vulnerable because you learned to be open to comfort.
If you answered “No, I really don’t remember being comforted or ever encouraged to express what I was feeling.” The message I received was, “Big girls don’t cry,” or some other way that you were not encouraged to deal with your emotions. You were not taught to be comforted and likely you cannot do that now as an adult.
When we marry, we want a husband that we can share life with, including all of the vulnerable places, the hurtful things that happen, and the hard places. But if we have never learned to do that then we will not let anyone in, including our husband, nor will we be able to provide them comfort in the way that may want and need it.
So, I want to challenge you, explore this in your life if you think you are not able to be open, vulnerable with your husband. This does not have to be the way it stays. You can learn new ways of loving and being loved. You can open a whole new world of intimacy if you are willing to ask some hard questions.
~Carla
Comments