Forgiveness is Costly

When we get married, I don’t think we are thinking about how many times we may need to ask for forgiveness or offer forgiveness. We are not usually thinking about the fact that marriage will reveal our true self; the parts that we cover so that even those who know us well never see these parts. The only exception is that we cannot cover the real us from our spouse. The 24/7 reality once you are married is like a big mirror that reveals it all. Nothing is hidden. 

Because the real us is what our spouse gets, they get the parts that are the ugliest. The short fuse, the sharp tone and tongue, the resentment, bitterness and anger that come spilling out at times. The selfish, prideful places that show the deep-seated sinfulness of our hearts. That is the stark ugly reality that we all live with, because we are all sinful human beings.

Yet, for those of us who know Jesus, He has given us a new heart, and a desire to love others like He does. But we are not there yet. Our flesh and sinful patterns are still ingrained in us, and we will have to fight them, until the day Jesus returns or we step into eternity. So, we will many times and in many ways, offend, hurt, dishonor and wound our spouse. We will need to ask for forgiveness. 

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...the shed blood of Jesus is enough. It covers every sin that has been committed for all time. Therefore, I do not need to extract vengeance or payment for what my spouse did.

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The same is true of our spouse. They will sin too. They will hurt us, disappoint us, let us down, and maybe forsake us. We will have multiple times that we must forgive them. Sometimes the wounds are unintentional, other times they may have been purposeful. Each one hurts and wounds us and each time we are asked (told) by the Father that we must forgive. 

How in the world do we do that? How do we let go? That is why forgiveness is costly. The only way we as believers can forgive is because we have been forgiven. We have a depth of sin that we can never repay. (Romans 3:23, All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.)  We are beyond any hope of ever doing enough right to merit God forgiving us. We are stained by our sin, in such a way that it can never be removed short of a miracle. That miracle is that God in His incredible love for us (totally underserved) chose to have His son, bear all of our sin and pay the price for forgiveness. He gave us what we could never earn.  John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” (NIV)

So, when God says that His children must forgive each other, He is saying, I have covered every sin you have ever committed and or ever will commit (for all humanity) and that includes the wounds and offenses your spouse has done to you. We are asked to lay them on the cross and to say, the shed blood of Jesus is enough. It covers every sin that has been committed for all time. Therefore, I do not need to extract vengeance or payment for what my spouse did. I can acknowledge the hurt and offense, (we each need to do this). But, I in essence say, you don’t owe me, it has been covered by Jesus. I am then free. 

This does not mean that we forget, (our brains will have all of our stored memories), but it means that I choose to not continue to behave like my spouse owes me, like they are in my debt because of what they did. No, I live out before them the grace and forgiveness that God gave me. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” (NIV) You and I can give the gift of forgiveness to our spouses because we have been the recipient of the greatest forgiveness we can ever know.  

~Carla