Family & Your Marriage

This is a loaded topic. The next couple of blogs I am going to talk about different aspects of how your family impacts your marriage. Most of us do not live with our parents or in-laws. (I am going to refer to both as parents from here on out). There are probably lots of good reasons for that. Now, I realize that in some parts of the world and some cultures families do live in close proximity or possibly with each other, but for most of us in the states that is not the norm. 

I think the shocking thing is that when we don’t live near or with our parents, we assume that our “family” is not with us. But the reality is that they are. They may not physically be present in the room, but they are there all right. Family show up in many ways. 

Can you think about or remember one of your earliest “fights” after you got married? Any chance your husband did something that you may have not heard or seen before and it sounded like one of his parents? What in the world? Why would they say that, or why would they act that way? Well, it's because we bring those imprinted experiences, options, thoughts and behaviors of our parents into our marriage. We may not even realize it, but our family affects us. 

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...our parents really do “show up" in our homes because we carry with us into our marriage what our parents said, did and thought on a number of things.

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When I grew up my parents, to my recollection, rarely got mad or demonstrative in front of the children.  My parents never yelled while watching a game on T.V., nor did they get “worked” up over things. Now, fast forward to early in my marriage. Johnny is yelling at a game on the T.V.  I mean really yelling. Like, what in the world? That is dumb, right? They can’t hear you, but I can and it’s disturbing. Well, come to find out Johnny’s parents both yelled at the T.V. during ball games. His mom was just as loud. So, guess what Johnny yells at the T.V. during games. He still does to this day! 

Your parents probably had things that were important to them and they drilled it into you by the way they lived, the things they said, and how they handled the situation. You may not be aware but you probably have some if not all of those things deeply hidden inside you. 

For example, if I ask you what you think about birthdays and how they should be celebrated, I bet you it is either based entirely on how your parents did birthdays in your home, or if it was not good, then maybe you have gone the exact opposite. But you can bet that they have influenced how you would answer that question. 

There is not a right or wrong way to answer that question, but maybe your answer is just really different from your husband’s answer. It just means that our parents really do “show up" in our homes because we carry with us into our marriage what our parents said, did and thought on a number of things. It doesn't make it wrong, but we just need to acknowledge that we are implicated by our parents. 

As a couple you decide what you want to keep and what needs to go. Our parents have gifted us with lots of life experiences but now, you must choose what you keep.  Your family may not be in the room, but they do impact you. Choose to let them impact your marriage in a way that allows it to flourish. 

~Carla